Winds were singing to me; at first I could understand them, word by word; then
in any moment their words became more meaningless; up to a point where I
could not realise what they were singing at once, as I became more conscious.
I had a creepy feeling. Something was going on around me. The Wind was
really singing like a man or several men together. I listened more carefully; I still
could hear some words; very melodic and elaborated; they were reciting a lyric
that was losing its meaning every moment.
I opened my eyes; it was dark and cold; I was coiled under a thin blanket, in a
night of late of December. It was really windy outside; the wind could break
through the windows and move the curtains, lamenting loudly. I could still
recognize the voices, but no words were perceptible. I closed my eyes again
and came back to my inner world. It was the strangest dream that I have ever
had; “She…” I remembered; she was there, after so many years. “I would die to
see her again!” What wind blew that angel down to the soil? I wished I would
never wake up. “Once more, I didn’t know how to find the words to keep her
staying”.
I tried to recall the last time that I saw her. What time was the last time? I
remembered once that I had much bigger hands and a thin shoulder with a
dusty face walking near the river and following butterflies and smelling the
evaporating Willows on early days of that warm July, as I saw curious lady-birds
searching on flowering Purple Loosestrifes, and watching the streams shifting
their direction into the woodland. And while walking near the river, I was
wondering about my perplexing world and asked myself questions: what was
the colour of the uncertainty, the sound of panic, and the smell of time-wasting?
And as I walked along enough, I reached where white Acacia were flowering
and school holidays stretched to all breezy summer nights with sounds and
scents. School time was over and it was the summer holiday. Boys used to play
all the afternoon until late evening.
My room felt unpleasantly cold. I coiled tighter and turned to the other side of my
bed. I saw the yellow rays of light getting through the window, elucidating some
objects on the table, reflecting through glasses and shimmering into my sleepy
eyes. I remembered the gleaming lights of a party in the same summer, with all
neighbours and their relatives along with all relatives of their friends; I could still
hear the sound of music and smell the perfumes from distance. I walked along
the long patio with lanterns twinkling through maidenhair trees, to the steps and
entered the enormous entrance hall crowded by people, men and women who
were drinking, smoking, talking, and chortling. Most of them were parents,
middle age, in suit and prestige. The suffocating aroma of smoke, perfumes,
sweat, alcohol and fried chicken and beef kebab was giving me a heavy
dizziness. Then I find a way through them towards where those agitating
clamour of young people and music came from; many young girls and boys
were dancing. I was something like ten or eleven years old and most of them in
their twenties or around that. They looked splendid. I admired their dazzling
perfection.
I could never have any idea how I would look like when I would be at their age;
and at that moment, how could I compare their nice height and fantastic
proportions to my irregular ugly being. I would like to walk through the dancers
to get to the other side of the saloon, to have a better view to them; hands and
legs were stretching into my way from every side, a last update of late seventies
disco dance, but practically in a mess. Then wondering how to find the right
direction, I was almost stuck among them. Some faces were familiar; many of
them were quite new. They were properly busy with dancing and enjoyed
themselves, as their faces were full of happiness, dream and satisfaction. A girl
looked down at me and smiled. “Hey” she called. I looked up and recognized
Mairin, an acquaintance of my sister, in her early twenties. She had to shout
“would you like to dance?” I felt the heat of blood in my ears; I shrugged and
looked down; her shiny belt caught my eyes; she looked so pleasant. Now I can
imagine how I would look with that silly smile and suggestive look, let’s say
rude, as my eyes scrutinized her from top to bottom. I was still too young to find
any barrier of words between me and the reality; so any inspiration could be
deep and moving. Anyhow, she was a girl from a higher class world, with short
black hair and something invisible on her mind.
She took my hand and walked ahead “then come with me; you know me, don’t
you? Your sister is dancing over there, can’t you see her? Never mind. I think I
even knew your name. Hey mum! Hey Su! Wow; have fun! Such a nasty
headache; I need to drink more; I mean water; no worries I’ll ask him to get me
something; it must be somewhere around there. Funny stuff! Huh? You know
that honey, girls always like funny guys. Ah! Yeah. Here we are” Then she
looked back down towards me and said: “her”. I could not understand her
properly; I was getting a staggering mood, somehow, because of breathing that
delirious air. I inquisitively had some quick glance at her and around us, trying
to figure out what she was talking about. She brought her head down towards
my face and said over “Dance with her!” and she pulled herself aside and
without pointing anywhere said “her over there with the scarlet gown”.Now I
could clearly know who she was talking about: Ellyn; a girl that I had seen her
once before in another occasion, but never spoke to her. She was at my age
and the same height, and well known to everyone because of her unique
prettiness.
I knew so far that Ellyn belonged to an extremely rich family, connected to the
“Qajar” dynasty, who ruled the Persian Empire for seven generations until the
late Victorian era, when their incompetent successors of the monarch who
destroyed the whole integrity of the country, disgracefully were forced to
abdicate. Nevertheless, even one century after extermination of the Qajar realm,
their relatives still considered themselves as “imperial” family, and possessed
many vital positions in the government especially cultural key organisations, like
main universities, museums and libraries; even they hold a deep respect to
themselves among people. Ellyn, whose exceptionally original beauty was
admired by everyone, belonging to a royal family or not, genuinely was regarded
as a real princess. Mairin encouraged me again “there she is; Ellyn,” and
intimately added “she’s dancing alone”. Then the two girls exchanged a
glorious smile. “I cannot dance” I replied; but there was no sign of Mairin
anymore, who all of a sudden disappeared among vigorous dancers. Now I
was standing in front of Ellyn watching her moves: one arm bent down as the
hand was touching her swaying hip, and the other arm straight above pointing
somewhere with her finger. Then with a smile and nearly closed eyes,
intriguingly, she had a twinkling glance on me; very strong, superior and just for
a fraction of a second; it was for the first time that I felt being that much
appreciated by “outside” world; and she, the world, considered me as “the one”
for her; wow; thus unexpectedly I was someone significant; well, an
embarrassing honour for someone who was not used to that. “I cannot dance” I
repeated quietly and smiled with timidity.
I could even feel the warmth of waves shining from her inspiring entity on my
temples; I realized that her glowing orange-red dress was contrasting
increasingly with her skin. Then I wished I could paint her to see her again and
again. But there was a problem: when you see an image and close your eyes
and imagine what you have seen, and paint what you have imagined, the
outcome would be an impression of the original; but in her case, the painting
would spoil the truth, since her reality was more impressive! Well I don’t
remember anything else about that night. Possibly before leaving there, I looked
at her again to absorb and remember as many details as I could; then I walked
out, and soon found myself moving southwards, where the orange stars with
yellow aura in Prussian blue sky were illuminating the objects with the oldest
light ever seen on the planet; and while wandering to nowhere, I asked myself
questions “Why is heaven above and soil below? Why Aries is always in
opposition to Scorpio? Can the universe guide man?” I looked backed at
myself: my big hands, narrow shoulders and paddle-shape feet; dreadfully I
was not the one that I wanted to be; or maybe I could be if I dreamed in a
different way; and obviously it was worth, if and only if, Ellyn would be in that
world too. But how could I find the way and how did it work the way I would
desire: What world would be better to live in? Was that world behind the sky?
Could I fly at once?
I inhaled as much air as I could and strangely my chest could still have more
space for air, the way that I could clearly see its striking growth upwards. Then I
began running fast, as fast as I could, flapping the arms and jumping high after
any few paces.Soon I fell down, out of breath, in an extraordinary dizziness. The
whole sky was moving round my head; dusty and exhausted lied down on the
damp grass and closed my eyes; what if I suddenly could fly high but
unexpectedly would forget what I had learned in a second - as I’m constantly in
trouble with my memory in recent time - not knowing how to keep flying, or for
what reason I was there above at all?! I realized some transformations in the
shape of my body, as my hands were bigger than before, and my chest bowed
onwards. The air smelt like fresh floating sea salt dust from the southern
Caspian costs. I opened my eyes. A man was standing a few steps away from
me. He had a huge body: wide and round. He was wearing a long cloak,
embroidered with golden threads and jewels. A moving dark shade from leaves
covered his face but his eyes were shimmering while reflecting the light of
moon. He sounded a monster of the human, frightening and horrifically
dominant. “The insincere servants are blameworthy for all damages to the folks
not me” he began to speak with a pliable voice while he was approaching me
slowly “as they never complied with what I desired.”
By now I was standing in front of him. He came even closer and I could see his
eyes staring at distant horizon. I would say something politely however I
preferred to keep silent as he continued “And what did I do?!” he shouted
deafeningly opening his arms to sides. I mentioned a printed email of mine in
his right hand and all my words in there.Then he turned back to the plain
villagers standing behind him “What did I do for you folks?!” and answering
himself turned around “I made a world for these people to live in! They were
happy, busy and found what they ever wanted; even made fortunes, competed
with each other for goodness’s sake, found mates, and fell in love!” “Why did
you take that world from them then?” I asked. “Am I God?” he asked looking at
everyone with an honest face “I am a man too; besides,” sardonically added
“even God retrieves, anytime he wants to” At this moment, he took a pace nearer
towards me and bent down “Now tell me what you are doing in my garden?” he
threatened. His mouth smelled as he freshly had drunk a gulp of beer from an
ashtray. It was revolting and I pulled back. What was the difference between
man and monster?
Do smokers deserve any French kiss?
Now he was badly furious: behind him, a bunch of strong men all in black
armour, covered face, and holding Arabic swords: I ran fast, as fast as I could;
they stormed behind me; vicious and cruel; and they were getting nearer and
nearer. once more, I tried to inhale as much air as I could, flapping my hands
and jumping above in every few pace, if by any luck, I could fly away before being
chopped into small pieces; however, I could not fly at all. And suddenly I found
myself across narrow dark streets of an unusually empty city, breathless and
alone. No one was following me anymore; I had the chance to stand and take a
deep breath. As I walked along enough, gradually I saw people who were
gathering there to celebrate the New Year’s Eve, happy and loud, enjoying the
time and each other’s company. It was a relief indeed. Even I had some nice
companies: eight of my best classmates, all in black suits and white shirts,
absolutely gorgeous and charming. But suddenly I realized that my hands got
even bigger than before; and that was not all: strange curved knees, a bent
back, and a huge chest; I was genuinely turned into a weird creature. No one
looked like me, not even my near friends.
I felt ashamed and humiliated; how would any one like to be a friend of such a
hideous being? I just walked away from them in silent and agony. Now I was
right in the middle of that city, where people cheerful and loud were celebrating
the New Year, while I looked at their faces, one by one, and listened to them,
word by word. I walked and walked and walked, until I reached somewhere that
the streets looked empty again. All of a sudden, I mentioned a recognizable
shadow from the distance moving away. I followed it as fast as I could; but it
was escaping from me swiftly. I could trace that familiar fragrance which was
drawing a line behind it: nothing could stop me chasing that memorable being.
In a moment the shadow disappeared from any range of sight and there was no
other sign of it anymore. But as I turned back a huge black giant behind me held
my neck and lifted me above, to the level of his face; he had two horrendous
sparkling eyes and a two-branched long beard. “What do you want from me?”
he asked with a creepy voice. “I’m metamorphosing to a freaky creature never
seen anywhere else” I replied crying “How can I become a normal man?” He
suddenly opened his fingers and I fell down from above. Then he turned his
face to another side and gazed towards the distant horizon. I, motionless and
open-mouthed, was waiting for his next reaction. “I don’t know” he replied
“maybe you had wished to be like that, or you were supposed to turn into
something like that. Maybe what you did accumulate in you, like that, or possibly
you just would like to become like that” while his mood was changing to a
humorous creature “or because you just dreamed so”
What is the difference between a normal man and a real man actually? I was
puzzled.
I stood up and walked away. I went and went, until I reached an empty land with
grey soil and dusty air, where you could never hear any other voice but the tone
of crying ghosts. Gradually fear dominated me, until I recognized the presence
of a mob of horrifying black ghouls with long hairy legs and hideous spiky fangs,
exactly behind me: I cried and ran. But now my legs were heavy and tired. I had
to struggle to take any single step; I wanted to cry but no air could pass through
my throat. Suddenly I saw myself detaching from the ground, flying high above,
simply by flapping arms, like a chimera of a beast-vulture, with human heart. I
flew around for a while, without being tired at all, and landed above a high tower
with smoky machicolations all round. I stand on the edge of a pinnacle, and let
the wind embrace me, feeling no dread or regret. That was the best sensation
about life I had ever experienced so far.
Exactly at this moment, the wind brought me that familiar fragrant again. Now I
well knew that it was Ellyn. I turned back and saw her just a few steps away
from me, with closed eyes, facing above, smelling the air, and enjoying the wind
caressing her face. Now she was much older, maybe thirty or something, with
long shiny hazel-ginger hair, that waved and drifted its direction through the
mysterious land of her past. I was bursting in my skin from the utmost delight
and revelation; moreover I turned into the form of a common man, perhaps
discovering me back in contrast of her presence. “Well I saw your great great-
great-something grand father, just somewhere…” while I was pointing back
with my finger, “…and I liked him.” I knew that I was lying just for her gratification,
and possibly she knew it, as well.
I remembered when I was that foolish boy and I saw her for the first time, and
afterwards, for the rest of my life I have always been thinking of her and she had
been the beginning and the end of any beautiful thought I’ve ever had. However
after that passing instant, a very unpleasant frostiness dominated me; I felt that I
was moving out of that place and clearly understood that she was not there
anymore. I could find no trace of her around me. “Ellyn” I shouted around “Could
you get back please? Please! Did you hear what I wanted to say?” There was no
trace of her at all. I saw that I had been talking to my self alone, throughout my
life, and she could have never been there, not even for a moment… At this time
the wind began pushing me to the edge of the tower which gradually turned to
be horrifically high, even above the clouds. Then the wind with another cruel
push, threw me down. I, upside-down and aggravated, fell down like a pebble,
fast and senseless. Miraculously I landed safe on the middle of a flat desert
without anything but ruthless winds. Any direction I chose to go, the wind twisted
against me. Now I clearly felt that the wind was alive, with soul and perception:
obviously he was fighting me for a mysterious reason. “Then let me know which
way you want me to go,” I notified him, exhausted and surrendered “or not to
go.” “Beyond those never-ending ruins, no home is waiting for anyone” he said.
It was the time to move on. Since then the winds, that turned out to be more than
one person, were not as cruel as they looked before; I listened to their choir, as
they were reciting poems with their resonant voices.
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